No Questions! Escape!

Deer (in headlights). Bunny on the verge (of chewing own leg off). Whole family of possums wiped out (sole survivor won’t last long on her own).

Sorry about that image. What can I say? You can take the girl out of the North Country… but the roadkill remains.

What was I talking about? Oh, yes: how I feel at the thought of public speaking.

Like roadkill. Carrion crows. Baby possum screaming for its mother. Coyotes getting Ugly.

That’s me: Roadkill. Now: Imagine Roadkill being interviewed for your local radio book spot. Picture Roadkill, sitting on her stool, waiting for the on-air light to change. The flies buzz with excitement. The DJ wears a gas mask.

The interview begins:

DJ: “Soooo….. Lindy Moone, you’re back in the North Country, and you’ve written an eBook. Tell us about it.”

ROADKILL: thinks, Well, it’s called “Hyperlink from Hell”, and I could really use one right now. Um, a hyperlink from hell, that is.

DJ: “Is there something wrong with Lindy’s mic? No? Sooo… Lindy, I have “Hyperlink from Hell: A Couch Potato’s Guide to the Afterlife” right here on my Kindle. I see it’s not out in paperback, yet, and it’s self-published. I have read the book, and I must admit it doesn’t come across as one of those crappy, pathetic ‘look-at-me, I’m-a-writer now’ sort of novels everyone and his granny seems to be churning out these days. Can you tell us why you decided to go the Indie route, and not hold out for an agent to snap you up? I mean, it’s funny and there’s hardly any adverbs.”

ROADKILL: thinks, If I just shift weight a bit, I might fall off this stool. It’s kinda high; I might break something.

DJ: “You call this book an In(s)ane Mystery — and the ‘s’ in the middle of ‘insane’ is in parentheses. Why is that? What does that mean?”

ROADKILL: thinks, It represents the multiplicity within the book, and that the mystery exists on different levels — in parallel universes, if you will. In particular, it asks the question: Is the “Jimmie” character insane, or just inane? On what plane? And is the reader insane for trying to make sense of nonsense?

but says: I shouldn’t have had beans for lunch.”

DJ: “Your grandfather was an eminent psychiatrist, wasn’t he? Did you base the God-like character of ‘Al’ — A.K.A. ‘Gramps the psychiatrist’ — on him?”

ROADKILL: thinks, well kinda, but the character is really nothing like my grandfather, unless you count the power of life and death he had as a member of the New York State Lunacy Board. They decided if convicted murderers were mentally competent to be executed.

but says: “I miss my Grampy.”

DJ: “I see… What about the character of “Jimmie” — the emotionally stunted Lotto-winner and  Reality TV has-been? Was he based on anyone in, um, reality?”

ROADKILL: thinks, He was based on me, you idiot! They’re all based on me! I’m psychotic! Writers are all psychotic! and starts humming the theme song to “Gilligan’s Island.”

DJ: (reads card handed to him) “We have a mystery caller here, a seemingly disgruntled someone from your past! Before I put him through, fair warning! This fellow says he gave you the ‘mother of all hickies’ under the bridge in high school, but that he never got the credit. What do you have to say to him?”

ROADKILL: “No Questions! Escape!” 


4 responses

  1. Roadkill–I profoundly hope that associating grannies with writers doesn’t inflame the AARP.

    1. No inflamed grannies. Inflammation is a killer! I delete the grannies, gladly! I strike them out, madly! In all seriousness, I like grannies, and most of them know how to mind their “P”s and “Q”s better than the rest of us. Wish I still had one of them. One of my grannies (the one married to “Grampy”) still completed every Sunday NY Times crossword, in ink, right up to the end. She was a phenomenon. Margaret Thatcher with just a touch of the mother from “Gilmore Girls.”

  2. […] part one: No Questions! Escape!, then meet me right back here, […]

  3. […] known as Roadkill, is still being interviewed for your local radio book spot. (Part one is here. Part two is here. If you’re interested.) Roadkill, glued to her stool, thinks this Interview […]

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