Does your brain think your mind is a toddler that needs, at all costs, to be kept amused? Mine does.
I woke up at 4AM thinking: “What if you threw an Orgasm Party, and nobody came?”
I could hear the drum roll (might have been thunder), and I’m pretty sure my brain was snickering. (It sounds like Gollum sometimes. Other times like Conan O’Brien’s “The Interrupter.”) So, just what is my brain up to while I’m sleeping? I know that sometimes it just puts a movie on to play, and goes to empty the dishwasher. I accept that. But now it’s rewriting old jokes as if they’d been run through a Google translator and back again:
“Take my female spouse (significant other and/or partner), would you do me the honor?”
“I shot elephant in sleepwear that is mine. How he is fitting into sleepwear that is mine I will never determine.”
But who cares what your brain is up to? Let it amuse itself by amusing you. What really matters is:
Why didn’t anyone come to your orgy?
Now you’re worried you’re unpopular (for any number of unspeakable reasons, mostly to do with body odor). So here’s a handy list of reasons why your friends (you do have friends, right?) would blow you off, so to speak:
- A baby rattlesnake was taking a snooze in their empty recyclables bin, and was not amused when they tried to put it in the garage. Who knew anti-venom was so hard to come by?
- Witnessed a drive-by shooting and spent all night at the police station.
- Ate a piece of shrimp at the supermarket and went into shock. Turns out the shrimp were farm-raised, and had been fed something your friend (?) was deathly allergic to.
- Slipped on a puddle of used frying oil in front of a Chinese restaurant, and tore their bicep.
- Used pepper spray to deter a man who was stabbing a pregnant woman on the sidewalk. Man took out gun and shot himself. They were no longer “in the mood” to come. (Man died, woman and baby were saved. Yay!)
- Little old lady pinned them to the wall of a parking garage with a Buick. Little old lady didn’t notice the screaming and pounding on the trunk. Little old lady not deaf, just likes “Nickleback.”
- Their stolen car was found by police, but when they went to claim it at the police lot, they were bitten by a spider and had to go to the hospital.
- One of their cats stabbed the other.
All these things really happened to ONE person I know. And they must be true. Otherwise she surely would have come to my party. I mean… it’s not like I’m: