Jacob Wonderbar Killed My Query!

Guess what I found?

A writer friend asked me for help with a query, today. I directed him to Nathan Bransford’s blog, to read his words of wisdom on the subject — back from when he was a literary agent. But then I remembered that I did write a query for Hyperlink from Hell. It was as weird and wacky as Hyperlink itself, and tailor-made for Nathan. I was just about to send it when he announced his career change, and my little heart sank.

Since then, Hyperlink has been published, and my little heart… has bobbed right back up again. So here it is: The Query that Never Was.

Dear Mr. Bransford,

I’ve recently discovered your blog, and have greedily devoured it. It’s put you on top of my agents-to-woo list. Your turn of phrase makes my heart go ping, you live in San Francisco, and you’re a Battlestar Gallactica fan. Two of those things are in my book. Three, if you count the ping. And if that’s not enough: word math. So, without further ado:

A missing Lotto winner, a buxom redhead, and a naked guy with a clipboard and no pubic hair all have something in common: the first chapter of Hyperlink from Hell. But what, exactly, is Hyperlink from Hell? The Director of The Haven needs to know. Her friend and mentor, the asylum’s former director, has checked out of his ancestral home and into a padded suite, all because of a few murders… and because his patient, reality TV has-been James Canning, wrote this “report to God in a novel format,” and promptly disappeared.

Join the Director as she reads, and tries to unravel, Canning’s account of his murder and what came next. In it, the world’s most dashing couch potato has just one goal: to save his girlfriend from her bloodthirsty ex; and just one strategy: it all comes down to math. The good news? He quits smoking. The bad news? Almighty Al, a dubious deity, has another plan for him – in another time, in another universe. Canning may be “just another dead leading man, starring in the re-run that was his life,” but if he wants to get the girl and live again, he must find the Holy Grail — Betamax version, director’s cut, with bloopers — and defeat that bloodthirsty ex in a contest of brain, beauty, and brawn.

But don’t forget the Director. To save her friend from madness, she must analyze the hell out of Hyperlink from Hell. Is it fantasy? Lies? Downright delusion? Or is there another universe, where even God’s insane?

Hyperlink from Hell (@100,000 words) is my first novel. It’s not your everyday murder mystery, not just a hysterical romance. It’s an in(s)ane, irreverent look at how, what, and why we believe — under the strangest of circumstances.

So if you never out-grew Alice, but yearn for grisly murder… if you wonder why “every time a bell rings, a monkey gets its wings,” or if you just want “someone to blame and a Twinkie,” this book is for you.

Thank you for your time, your blog, and (if you’ve read this far) your indulgence. One last thing, though: this book contains no (real) monkeys or apes of any kind. (Sorry.)

Lindy Moone
Literary Subversions (website)
Belly-up! (blog)


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