The Morticia Dance. Just do it.

Are we alone?

Are you sure?

Toddlers, cats and dogs don’t count. Nor do any poor creatures you may have in cages — although if they’re reading this over your shoulder, you might want to rethink your lifestyle.

So, we are alone. And we have thick socks on. And we have a smooth floor, like a kitchen or hallway with no carpet.

Then get up.

Yes, I mean you; who did you think I was talking to, the pot-bellied hamster?

So, we’re up now. Standing. Possibly swaying a bit, since we’re not used to the air up here.

Now, don’t panic. We are going to move, but don’t worry. Baby steps!

Remember Morticia, from The Addams Family? Remember how she seemed to glide instead of walk, because her dress was so damn tight around the knees she couldn’t have trotted if her life depended on it?

Pretend you are Morticia. And the house is on fire.

Now, you have little control over the direction your baby steps take you… unless…

Unless your willowy arms take control. Yes, those things that sprout from your shoulders. The things with the digital typing and tapping and texting equipment sometimes known as “fingers” hanging off the ends of them.

Lift them up. Imagine you are a ballerina. In Morticia’s dress.

And the flames are getting closer.

Shuffle, Morticia! Shuffle like the fires of Hell will soon engulf the train of your designer rags!

If you have a toddler, save him or her from the inferno!

Shuffle, Morticia, with your knees reasonably close together! Shuffle as fast as you can!

Shuffle, like a stiff autumn breeze is fanning the flames!

Shuffle, little pot-bellied writers, everywhere!


Which way to safety? Which way?

Let your willowy arms be your rudder, even though ballerinas are not known for their willowy rudders.

Shuffle and glide, shuffle and slide! Bend from the waist, twirl and glide…

You are a ballerina. You are an Olympic figure skater. You are a synchronized swimmer whose pas de deux partner was just eaten by a shark.

You are Morticia, shuffling because your life depends on it!

Shuffle for exercise! Shuffle because it’s fun! Shuffle because your life depends on it!

All you need is socks. Maybe some music.

And no one can see you but the hamster.


4 responses

  1. John L. Monk does not shuffle, he mozies. But if I get to be Morticia I’ll make an exception (prrrrrrr).

  2. I danced already today.

  3. oooohhhhhhhhhhh yaaaaayyyy.

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