Just signed the tax forms. Where it said “occupation,” I put “writer,” but only because THIS wouldn’t fit:
“I take those stupid fb tests, you know, the ones where you’re supposed to find out which ’80s action hero you are (John McClane), or which Harry Potter character you are (Hermione, duh!), or which famous writer is your soulmate, even though she’s dead and you’re not a lesbian (Virginia Woolf) or which kick-ass character you are from a TV series (RIVER SONG, alias Melody Pond. I get to marry The Doctor, who, by the way, has also kissed me mum).”
You know what else wouldn’t fit under “Occupation”? This:
“I turn sentences around. That’s my life. I write a sentence and then I turn it around. Then I look at it and I turn it around again. Then I have lunch. Then I come back in and write another sentence. Then I have tea and turn the new sentence around. Then I read the two sentences over and turn them both around. Then I lie down on my sofa and think. Then I get up and throw them out and start from the beginning.” (Phillip Roth)
Or this: “I do the hokey pokey and I turn the words around…”
Or this. “Yes, I AM a writer! I didn’t say it pays…”
Or this: “Stop laughing, IRS guy! I said, Stop laughing!”
You know what would fit, though? “Hello, Sweetie!”
Not blogging much lately, since I’m in the throes of editing the charity anTROLLogy. But here’s one other thing that’s been going on…
Among other things, he has some mysteries out. I liked them. A lot. I mean, what’s not to love about Richard Nixon as a private detective? That’s one Tricky private Dick! So I asked Casper to beta for me, saying I’d be happy to return the favor. After all, my alter-ego editor, Miss Prissy, is feared throughout the land — or at least throughout the Internet.
Throughout one small corner of the Internet.
OK, so she has ME hiding under the bed! (But who cares? I’m reading by Kindle-light down here.)
Casper the friendly author enjoyed my story, suggested a few tiny changes — but said they really were little things. He was happy that I’d loved his short mystery, The Case of the Pink Lady, and was gracious when Miss Prissy sent him her list of Pink Lady typos.
When Casper wrote to me, he mentioned that he was accustomed to writing for TV. So, since I now had his real name (no, I’m not tellin’), I looked him up. Turns out he wrote for several sitcoms that I’d loved. He also was an actor in a series (the name of which I won’t mention). He gave up series writing after 9/11. Now, among other things, he teaches scriptwriting.
Anyway — how cool is that? A Hollywood scriptwriter liked my story!
I got up the nerve to confess that I’d looked him up, and thanked him for years of enjoyment — and, by the way, would he like a paperback copy of my book, since it’s chock-full of TV references? (He’d already mentioned that he loved the cover. He brought it up, not me.)
He asked for a copy. I sent it. Sure hope he likes it.
At one point (in the shower, of all places), I realized that I’d offered to beta-read… for a Hollywood script-writer! And sent him a list of his typos! So embarrassing, right?
I was a pink naked lady.
My husband, hearing running water accompanied by hysterical laughter, might have thought I’d gone nuts….
But that ship sailed long ago.
Tis still the season to blog under the influence. So, Ho Ho Ho. There’s a study to explain why we writers should all go out and play more. It’s all about Vitamin D and hobbits and fantasy bad guys. My conclusion? (Remember, I am blogging under the influence. Don’t do this at home):
Fantasy Evildoers are All Gay (says no study whatsoever).
No, really. No study whatsoever has ever found that to be the case. So it MUST be true.
The only thing better about this (following) study would have been if the U.S. government had paid for it, and Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin had had a cow over it. And then Sarah Palin shot the cow. And then she and Michele ate it. And then Peta and Greenpeace got involved, somehow, perhaps meeting at (or on) a holiday ice-breaker, with Pussy Riot as the entertainment. And then Vladimir Putin came riding in, shirtless, on a reindeer…
Cuz, you know, Vitamin D cures gay people. Especially hobbits.
I have reprinted just the abstract of the study. You know, the study that doesn’t say Vitamin D cures gay hobbits. Cuz, you know, lawsuits.
The hobbit — an unexpected deficiency
Joseph A Hopkinson and Nicholas S Hopkinson
Objective: Vitamin D has been proposed to have beneficial effects in a wide range of contexts. We investigate the hypothesis that vitamin D deficiency, caused by both aversion to sunlight and unwholesome diet, could also be a significant contributor to the triumph of good over evil in fantasy literature.
Design: Data on the dietary habits, moral attributes and martial prowess of various inhabitants of Middle Earth were systematically extracted from J R R Tolkien’s novel The hobbit.
Main outcome measures: Goodness and victoriousness of characters were scored with binary scales, and dietary intake and habitual sun exposure were used to calculate a vitamin D score (range, 0–4). Results: The vitamin D score was significantly higher among the good and victorious characters (mean, 3.4; SD, 0.5) than the evil and defeated ones (mean, 0.2; SD, 0.4; P < 0.001).
Conclusion: Further work is needed to see if these pilot results can be extrapolated to other fantastic situations and whether randomised intervention trials need to be imagined.
Read the rest of the post here! It’s fascinating. And there are hobbits!
(Why are you still here? I said read it! It’s not like you have anything else to do today.)